I have the most conflicting feelings today. I had a doctor’s appointment. I had hoped to see the surgeon to have him address the cyst in my shoulder and help relieve the extreme amount of pain I am dealing with. The appointment didn’t go EXACTLY how I wanted it to go.
I always try to stay realistic and let’s be honest, have super low expectations. That way it can only go up. I guess I’m like that because I’ve been disappointed so many times before. The hope and promise of relief. Feeling like there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, only to find darkness with no answers.
I felt so many things after my appointment. Disappointed? Not really but maybe. Happy he didn’t lie or give me false hope? That’s possible. Whatever the feelings were, I knew that there were a lot of them. He couldn’t or wouldn’t help. I don’t blame him. I appreciated his realism and candor. Instead he suggested I go see a specialist in Chicago. He said my case is complex and with my underlying issues and co-morbidities, a different doctor would be better.
On one hand, I was glad he didn’t have an inflated ego and wanted to chance it and hopefully help me. I was still sad that I waited 6 weeks for an appointment only to find out I had waited for nothing. No relief, no hope, no nothing. Just endless pain. The specialist has an appointment in a month. So that’s another 4 weeks of waiting.
It gets tiring being complex, a medical anomaly, a complete mystery. I start to wonder if doctors can really help. I read a LOT of medical studies and journals. So I can be an informed patient. Annoying for some, sure. I always try to find the positive so I don’t drown in the negative. It’s hard to do though when you start to feel nuts. My advice to anyone on the same journal for answers is don’t give up. You aren’t crazy. The pain is there. It is real because it is real to you. If you need someone to believe you. I do. Pain is so hard to get help for because it is hard to see.
So I start over at a new doctor. Maybe she will have answers, maybe she won’t. But what I do know if that I won’t give up and keep trying to get relief. I won’t give up. I may not understand the reason for my health stuff. But maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe I won’t ever know what things are or how to help them. So I’ll use the extraordinary amount of pain and try to channel it into something good so I know it isn’t for nothing.
#endlesshope #dimtunnellight